The Field Guide to Stoners

The Field Guide To Stoners

Types of Stoners- Which one are you?

If you can’t decide which one you are, then you’re all of them.

 

The Dreamer

Takes a puff while fixing their John Lennon style glasses and:

 

  • Reminisces about the golden days 

  • Makes grandiose plans for the future

  • Organizes several social gatherings that probably won’t happen

 

The Inventor

Hits their homemade vape and:

 

  • Finds miscellaneous objects from the messiest drawer in the house (Including: elastic bands, hair clips, crazy glue, and string)

  • Crafts prototypes for future technologies 

  • Has full confidence that their invention will be mass produced on a global scale

 

The “A” Student

Wakes and bakes before the LSAT and:

 

  • Scores in the 97th percentile

  • Finishes the exam 2 hours early

  • Back home rolling another spliff while their peers are still sweating it out

 

The “F” Student

Takes a bong rip before the LSAT and:

 

  • Fails it for the 16th time

  • Finishes the exam 2 hours early

  • On the sofa watching “Suits” while their peers are still sweating it out

 

The Competitor

Holds the smoke in their lungs as long as possible and:

 

  • Challenges you to a thumb war

  • Asks you to keep track of how many marshmallows they can fit in their mouth

  • Finds an excuse to put you in a headlock

 

The Chef

French inhales and:

 

  • Creates a gourmet spread for those with the munchies

  • Asks you something like: “Hey dude, where do you keep your paprika?”

  • Finds cooking utensils in your house that you didn’t even know you had

 

The Captain

Smokes a large wooden pipe and:

 

  • Rallies the group together for a noble mission

  • Delivers inspirational speeches when the motivation is waning

  • Buys everyone a slurpee when they finally arrive at 7-11 

 

Romeo & Juliet

Breathe smoke into each others mouths and:

 

  • Ignore the sanctity of a “Boys Night” or “Girls Night”

  • Go everywhere together (including the bathroom)

  • Must be holding hands at all times

 

The Mysterious One

Swiftly pulls out a spliff from their peacoat’s hidden pocket and:

 

  • Stares thoughtfully into the distance, saying nothing

  • Makes people uncomfortable, but intrigued

  • Is really just too stoned to formulate sentences


 

The Savior

Smokes the roach without complaint and:

 

  • Walks 4km alone to the nearest pizza place 

  • Returns with a large pepperoni za hours later

  • Everyone is already eating pizza because they remembered pizza places deliver

 

The Games Master

Methodically rolls a joint and:

 

  • Keeps a close watch on all players to ensure there is no funny business

  • Recites obscure rules by heart

  • Does not take it easy on the noobs

 

The Responsible One

Takes a quarter of an edible before taking more and:

 

  • Warns the group of all potential hazards in the area

  • Does not encourage the group’s desire to walk on the frozen lake at night

  • Says things like “Guys, how old are we?”,  “This is ridiculous”, and “DO NOT try to juggle those knives”

 

The DJ

Spliff in the left hand, playlist in the right and:

 

  • Does not take requests

  • Makes it their night’s mission to always choose the perfect song to set the mood

  • Gets too stoned to look at their phone so they click autoplay on the “Sugar Ray” discography

 

The Acrobat

Takes a hoot while hanging upside down and:

 

  • Climbs anything that looks climbable (trees, fences, social ladders)

  • Spends several hours perfecting the cartwheel 

  • Contorts into small spaces to win games of hide and go seek


 

The Know-It-All

Takes a hit while correcting someone’s grammar and:

 

  • Turns every conversation into an intellectual debate

  • Eager to fact-check counter arguments

  • Must always get the last word

 

The Jester

Smokes the joint through their nose and:

 

  • Throws nonsensical facts at “The Know-it-all” (who always takes the bait)

  • Values good banter over objective truths 

  • Will wear anything as a hat

 

The Space Cadet

Has to be nudged several times to realize the joint is being passed their way and:

 

  • Forgets to pass the joint after they hit it

  • Forgets to listen to the story, but feels left out when everyone else is laughing

  • Laughs along anyway

 

The Mischief Maker

Takes a devious puff and:

 

  • Becomes a saboteur- full of diabolical plots and schemes

  • Cheats in games, double dips, and eats more than the rationed slices of pizza

  • Takes pleasure in the chaos much to the dismay of “The Responsible One”, “The Chef” and “The Games Master”

 

The “Robert”

The friend of a friend, standing there awkwardly, he accepts the joint thankfully and:

 

  • Is eager to prove himself

  • Tells mediocre stories about collecting hockey cards

  • Seems like a cool guy, but he annoys people anyway for being named “Rob”

 

The Philosopher 

Doesn’t need the doobie to think outside of the box, but hits it anyway and:

 

  • Sits on the kitchen counter 

  • Pontificates to all those who enter to get a snack

  • Starts sentences with “Did you ever realize…” , “What is the purpose of…” or “Why isn’t anyone listening…”

 

The Biologist

Smokes their own home-grown and:

 

  • Touches every tree they walk by

  • Watches an ant colony devour a fallen piece of cantaloupe 

  • Suggests that humans have a lot to learn from the teamwork of ants

 

The Giggler 

Takes hits in between fits of laughter and:

 

  • Encourages “The Jester” and “The Mischief Maker” to continue their poor behavior

  • Wipes tears of joy from their eyes on several occasions

  • Has to change their underwear after a particularly powerful wave of hysterics

 

The First Timer

Holding the joint backwards, burns their lips and:

 

  • Claims that they are not stoned at all

  • Assures the group, “Cannabis simply does not have an effect on…”

  • Trails off mid-sentence to chase a butterfly

 

The Good Friend

Takes a conservative hoot to make sure there is enough to go around and:

 

  • Laughs with the “Mischief Maker, but plays by the rules of “The Games Master”

  • Walks the line between order and chaos, but doesn’t go overboard on either side

  • There to playfully joke with those who are feeling left out

 

The Hype Man

Hits the joint and compliments the supplier for their good taste and:

 

  • Seems to notice every cool or miraculous thing that happens

  • Cheers and celebrates with childlike glee

  • Says things like “Bro, that was incredible!” “Are you fricken kidding me?!” “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”


 

Leave us a message in the comments to let us know which kind of stoner you are, tag a friend if you find them in the list. Also comment to let us know if you think of any other types of stoners that we missed!


Leave a Reply


  • News Comments
    Alec

    Feel like an Inventor, might be a Space Cadet.... Could probably add The connoisseur to the list - Has weed down to a science - Talks terps and minor cannabinoids not realizing that everyone else is already zoned out - Brings dab rig everywhere

    • No Image
      camm

      Awesome, like to think of myself as the DJ that gets the people going!

    • No Image
      camm

      Awesome, like to think of myself as the DJ that gets the people going!